Celebrity Alert

Far be it for us to condone vandalism, but if celebrities must trash hotel rooms, let's at least have some rock 'n' roll behaviour when they do it. Take Johnny Depp for example: in one urban legend, he filled a bath with champagne for Kate Moss in a hip London hotel; he famously trashed a New York hotel after a spat with the model. Jimi Hendrix was a trouper in the trashing category, as was Keith Moon, who blew up a toilet while on tour with The Who.

Unlikely to appear in a dossier of celebrity excesses is one UK radio DJ, who recently confessed all to celeb-alert. He did his fair share of damage while on holiday in Crete, but he should have taken notice of us instead. The list of damages? An iron (he turned it on while drunk), a coffee table (he put the hot iron on it) and a shower curtain (he grabbed it to stop himself falling). Thank goodness the tabloids haven't got hold of this story: it's not so much rock 'n' roll as pipe 'n' slippers. Next time, Mr DJ*, at least raid the minibar, or throw a TV set across the room - it'll probably cost you the same in damages!

* name has been changed to protect the not-guilty-enough.

Fergie Ferg Fer. Your dress sense is going up and down like your own London Bridge. I must say that your increasingly waxen features bother me: inflated lips, taut forehead, rubbery sheen. But not as much as I'm bothered by your schizophrenic wardrobe changes. In one photo you look better than Paris (no jokes please); in the second, you are outmanouevred on every single butt-shaking front by Shakira.

FYI TO ALL CELEBRITIES NOW. Hotpants and micro shorts are to the Noughties what Spandex was to the late 1970s. Just because you can, does not mean that you should.

Jack White.

Red eyes.

Two words.

Touche Eclat.

Here's one way to disguise a bad hair day. Sadly for Jennifer Lopez, it's the wrong way. Frizz attack, bad perm, roots showing or grey-a-going: no hair day can ever be bad enough to justify her Jetsons-meets-Teletubby outfit and matching head thing.

It seems celebs are just not listening to us at the moment. Shame on you, I say, SHAME ON YOU. How many times have we preached that hair is a girl's finest accessory? So, it was with much excitement that we saw Pink rock up to the MTV Video Music Awards looking quite pretty, in a not-quite-Aguilera-extreme retro do, but still with an edge. The curls work, she looks young and in love, and reeks stardomness. Until she turned round. And now Pink looks even more "martina" than when she was in her punk dyke phase. Who Knew that hairdressers could still be paid to commit crimes against womankind?