25 February, 2008

Oscar Meh Carpet

It seems forever since we last posted on here, but last night's Oscar fashion has brought us out of hibernation.

Firstly: it was all a little dull. Too much black, navy, neutrals, strapless, fishtail, one shoulder blahblahblah. Where were all the jewel tones? And even I was bored of red by the end of it (which clashed with the "Merlot" carpet according to Seacrest, which is possibly the gayest thing ever uttered on prime time).

Talking of Ryan, I find it uncomfortable - nay, gruesome - when he calls the women celebrities "darling". It's too familiar to sit right with the tone of the show, but (surprisingly) not camp enough to carry it off, Mizrahi style.

Perhaps my biggest fashion horrors of the night were the dresses worn by Cameron Diaz and Renee Zellweger. I know US TV has been flooded with repeats over the writers' strike, but did they have to extend it to fashion reruns too?

I am so over Renee's cut & paste red carpet looks. Carolina Herrera, check. Strapless, check. Boring colour, check. Remember the glory days of that vintage yellow dress she wore? Sigh.... And Cameron wore the same silhouette dress as last year only in pale pink (shock) not white. This year I think she forgot to put on lipstick as well.

10 October, 2006

Freaksome Threesomes

Move over Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, Freaksome Threesomes is the new celebrity game. The rules are quite simple: you must decide between two different hypothetical threesomes, each of which features one hot and one un-hot party.

Example one: a threesome with Sean Bean and Jerry Seinfeld, or with Chris Noth and George Costanza?

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Example two: a threesome with Angelina Jolie and Roseanne Barr, or with Jessica Alba and Madeleine Albright?

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1. Turn-based play
2. You may not mix and match
2. You may not pass or swap the choices

In short: choose or lose.

Here at Chateau Celeb-Alert, we're already obsessed. As well as the game causing impromptu bile attacks over (especially when throwing a little multi-gender spice), it also brings out the "guilty secret shags" among us all. For example, the response to Clive Owen and Simon Cowell, or Brad Pitt and Louis Walsh:

"That's easy, Clive 'n' Simon, because Simon is horridly do-able, in a very horrid way."

09 October, 2006

Brown is the new drab

There's a reason that women from 1950s Hollywood starlets to today's footballers' wives dye their hair blonde. Platinum hair illuminates the face, it softens the features, it reflects light and glitters, but above all it takes the attention away from less than perfect beauty.

Which is why so many wannabes slump to Plain Janes when switching back to brown. Case study number one, Z-list queen Chantelle:

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From stunna to frump with one application of Clairol. For comparison, let's have a look at Chantelle's more famous "lookalike", skank-ho queen Paris Hilton:

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Ladies, if you're not Sophia Loren or Monica Belluci, for fk's sake make use of the gifts that Mother L'Oreal gave you.

06 October, 2006

Chicken or grief?

Just as the world had been put to rights after Ms Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Rock's upmarket wedding in St Tropez, there is a new contender in Classiest Bride* of the Year: the grieving mother, Anna Nicole Smith. At Celeb-Alert, we can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son. But there is just no excuse for behaviour like this: drag queen make-up and small rodents masquerading as false eyelashes. Let them eat cake at the reception? Hell no, they ate Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Reminds me of my other favourite white trash trailer park blonde. And charging for the photos and doing the chat show circuit? That's 21st century mourning for y'all.

* PS apparently it's a commitment ceremony.

02 October, 2006

Keep off the catwalk

Despite my general snappishness towards overt displays of talentless celebrity, I actually like Nicky Hilton. Which is why it upsets me to see that she has broken one of Celeb-Alert's cardinal rules: leave the catwalk to the stick-thin food-upchucking models. Here's Normal Nicky, looking fab. Then, here she is modelling on the Roberto Cavalli catwalk.

Or take Posh Spice, the dayglo orange lollipop (round head on stick), modelling for Maria Grachvogel a few years ago.

12 September, 2006

Living the rock & roll dream

Far be it for us to condone vandalism, but if celebrities must trash hotel rooms, let's at least have some rock 'n' roll behaviour when they do it. Take Johnny Depp for example: in one urban legend, he filled a bath with champagne for Kate Moss in a hip London hotel; he famously trashed a New York hotel after a spat with the model. Jimi Hendrix was a trouper in the trashing category, as was Keith Moon, who blew up a toilet while on tour with The Who.

Unlikely to appear in a dossier of celebrity excesses is one UK radio DJ, who recently confessed all to celeb-alert. He did his fair share of damage while on holiday in Crete, but he should have taken notice of us instead. The list of damages? An iron (he turned it on while drunk), a coffee table (he put the hot iron on it) and a shower curtain (he grabbed it to stop himself falling). Thank goodness the tabloids haven't got hold of this story: it's not so much rock 'n' roll as pipe 'n' slippers. Next time, Mr DJ*, at least raid the minibar, or throw a TV set across the room - it'll probably cost you the same in damages!

* name has been changed to protect the not-guilty-enough.

04 September, 2006

Short shrift

Fergie Ferg Fer. Your dress sense is going up and down like your own London Bridge. I must say that your increasingly waxen features bother me: inflated lips, taut forehead, rubbery sheen. But not as much as I'm bothered by your schizophrenic wardrobe changes. In one photo you look better than Paris (no jokes please); in the second, you are outmanouevred on every single butt-shaking front by Shakira.

FYI TO ALL CELEBRITIES NOW. Hotpants and micro shorts are to the Noughties what Spandex was to the late 1970s. Just because you can, does not mean that you should.