Celebrity Alert

Just as the world had been put to rights after Ms Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Rock's upmarket wedding in St Tropez, there is a new contender in Classiest Bride* of the Year: the grieving mother, Anna Nicole Smith. At Celeb-Alert, we can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son. But there is just no excuse for behaviour like this: drag queen make-up and small rodents masquerading as false eyelashes. Let them eat cake at the reception? Hell no, they ate Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Reminds me of my other favourite white trash trailer park blonde. And charging for the photos and doing the chat show circuit? That's 21st century mourning for y'all.

* PS apparently it's a commitment ceremony.

Despite my general snappishness towards overt displays of talentless celebrity, I actually like Nicky Hilton. Which is why it upsets me to see that she has broken one of Celeb-Alert's cardinal rules: leave the catwalk to the stick-thin food-upchucking models. Here's Normal Nicky, looking fab. Then, here she is modelling on the Roberto Cavalli catwalk.

Or take Posh Spice, the dayglo orange lollipop (round head on stick), modelling for Maria Grachvogel a few years ago.