10 October, 2006

Freaksome Threesomes

Move over Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, Freaksome Threesomes is the new celebrity game. The rules are quite simple: you must decide between two different hypothetical threesomes, each of which features one hot and one un-hot party.

Example one: a threesome with Sean Bean and Jerry Seinfeld, or with Chris Noth and George Costanza?

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Example two: a threesome with Angelina Jolie and Roseanne Barr, or with Jessica Alba and Madeleine Albright?

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THE RULES
1. Turn-based play
2. You may not mix and match
2. You may not pass or swap the choices


In short: choose or lose.

Here at Chateau Celeb-Alert, we're already obsessed. As well as the game causing impromptu bile attacks over (especially when throwing a little multi-gender spice), it also brings out the "guilty secret shags" among us all. For example, the response to Clive Owen and Simon Cowell, or Brad Pitt and Louis Walsh:

"That's easy, Clive 'n' Simon, because Simon is horridly do-able, in a very horrid way."

09 October, 2006

Brown is the new drab

There's a reason that women from 1950s Hollywood starlets to today's footballers' wives dye their hair blonde. Platinum hair illuminates the face, it softens the features, it reflects light and glitters, but above all it takes the attention away from less than perfect beauty.

Which is why so many wannabes slump to Plain Janes when switching back to brown. Case study number one, Z-list queen Chantelle:

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From stunna to frump with one application of Clairol. For comparison, let's have a look at Chantelle's more famous "lookalike", skank-ho queen Paris Hilton:

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Ladies, if you're not Sophia Loren or Monica Belluci, for fk's sake make use of the gifts that Mother L'Oreal gave you.

06 October, 2006

Chicken or grief?


Just as the world had been put to rights after Ms Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Rock's upmarket wedding in St Tropez, there is a new contender in Classiest Bride* of the Year: the grieving mother, Anna Nicole Smith. At Celeb-Alert, we can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son. But there is just no excuse for behaviour like this: drag queen make-up and small rodents masquerading as false eyelashes. Let them eat cake at the reception? Hell no, they ate Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Reminds me of my other favourite white trash trailer park blonde. And charging for the photos and doing the chat show circuit? That's 21st century mourning for y'all.

* PS apparently it's a commitment ceremony.

02 October, 2006

Keep off the catwalk


Despite my general snappishness towards overt displays of talentless celebrity, I actually like Nicky Hilton. Which is why it upsets me to see that she has broken one of Celeb-Alert's cardinal rules: leave the catwalk to the stick-thin food-upchucking models. Here's Normal Nicky, looking fab. Then, here she is modelling on the Roberto Cavalli catwalk.

Or take Posh Spice, the dayglo orange lollipop (round head on stick), modelling for Maria Grachvogel a few years ago.