Celebrity Alert

It seems forever since we last posted on here, but last night's Oscar fashion has brought us out of hibernation.

Firstly: it was all a little dull. Too much black, navy, neutrals, strapless, fishtail, one shoulder blahblahblah. Where were all the jewel tones? And even I was bored of red by the end of it (which clashed with the "Merlot" carpet according to Seacrest, which is possibly the gayest thing ever uttered on prime time).

Talking of Ryan, I find it uncomfortable - nay, gruesome - when he calls the women celebrities "darling". It's too familiar to sit right with the tone of the show, but (surprisingly) not camp enough to carry it off, Mizrahi style.

Perhaps my biggest fashion horrors of the night were the dresses worn by Cameron Diaz and Renee Zellweger. I know US TV has been flooded with repeats over the writers' strike, but did they have to extend it to fashion reruns too?

I am so over Renee's cut & paste red carpet looks. Carolina Herrera, check. Strapless, check. Boring colour, check. Remember the glory days of that vintage yellow dress she wore? Sigh.... And Cameron wore the same silhouette dress as last year only in pale pink (shock) not white. This year I think she forgot to put on lipstick as well.

Just as the world had been put to rights after Ms Anderson-Lee-Anderson-Rock's upmarket wedding in St Tropez, there is a new contender in Classiest Bride* of the Year: the grieving mother, Anna Nicole Smith. At Celeb-Alert, we can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son. But there is just no excuse for behaviour like this: drag queen make-up and small rodents masquerading as false eyelashes. Let them eat cake at the reception? Hell no, they ate Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Reminds me of my other favourite white trash trailer park blonde. And charging for the photos and doing the chat show circuit? That's 21st century mourning for y'all.

* PS apparently it's a commitment ceremony.

Despite my general snappishness towards overt displays of talentless celebrity, I actually like Nicky Hilton. Which is why it upsets me to see that she has broken one of Celeb-Alert's cardinal rules: leave the catwalk to the stick-thin food-upchucking models. Here's Normal Nicky, looking fab. Then, here she is modelling on the Roberto Cavalli catwalk.

Or take Posh Spice, the dayglo orange lollipop (round head on stick), modelling for Maria Grachvogel a few years ago.

Far be it for us to condone vandalism, but if celebrities must trash hotel rooms, let's at least have some rock 'n' roll behaviour when they do it. Take Johnny Depp for example: in one urban legend, he filled a bath with champagne for Kate Moss in a hip London hotel; he famously trashed a New York hotel after a spat with the model. Jimi Hendrix was a trouper in the trashing category, as was Keith Moon, who blew up a toilet while on tour with The Who.

Unlikely to appear in a dossier of celebrity excesses is one UK radio DJ, who recently confessed all to celeb-alert. He did his fair share of damage while on holiday in Crete, but he should have taken notice of us instead. The list of damages? An iron (he turned it on while drunk), a coffee table (he put the hot iron on it) and a shower curtain (he grabbed it to stop himself falling). Thank goodness the tabloids haven't got hold of this story: it's not so much rock 'n' roll as pipe 'n' slippers. Next time, Mr DJ*, at least raid the minibar, or throw a TV set across the room - it'll probably cost you the same in damages!

* name has been changed to protect the not-guilty-enough.

Fergie Ferg Fer. Your dress sense is going up and down like your own London Bridge. I must say that your increasingly waxen features bother me: inflated lips, taut forehead, rubbery sheen. But not as much as I'm bothered by your schizophrenic wardrobe changes. In one photo you look better than Paris (no jokes please); in the second, you are outmanouevred on every single butt-shaking front by Shakira.

FYI TO ALL CELEBRITIES NOW. Hotpants and micro shorts are to the Noughties what Spandex was to the late 1970s. Just because you can, does not mean that you should.

Jack White.

Red eyes.

Two words.

Touche Eclat.

Here's one way to disguise a bad hair day. Sadly for Jennifer Lopez, it's the wrong way. Frizz attack, bad perm, roots showing or grey-a-going: no hair day can ever be bad enough to justify her Jetsons-meets-Teletubby outfit and matching head thing.

It seems celebs are just not listening to us at the moment. Shame on you, I say, SHAME ON YOU. How many times have we preached that hair is a girl's finest accessory? So, it was with much excitement that we saw Pink rock up to the MTV Video Music Awards looking quite pretty, in a not-quite-Aguilera-extreme retro do, but still with an edge. The curls work, she looks young and in love, and reeks stardomness. Until she turned round. And now Pink looks even more "martina" than when she was in her punk dyke phase. Who Knew that hairdressers could still be paid to commit crimes against womankind?