Celebrity Alert

Remember the buff, bronzed body playing volleyball in Top Gun? Not for me, the short-arsed sloped shoulders of Tom Cruise, complete with sinister jabbing tongue movements in the big love scene with Kelly McGillis. Forget the peroxide quiff for a moment, but Val Kilmer was quite simply god's gift to women. That video kept me going through my teens, when - if you took off your NHS prescription glasses and squinted hard enough - the spotty youth on the dancefloor would turn into Iceman. Even now, when I hear the line "you can be my wingman any time", I get goosebumps.

Sadly, while I may be stuck in the 1980s, Val Kilmer isn't. I almost can't bring myself to post this. The poor man probably has issues - and crept halfway back into my good books with a great performance in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (oh yes, I would) ... but can't he see he's ruining millions of teen girl fantasies?