30 August, 2006

Bottle of Becks

Victoria and David Beckham (or Posh'n'Becks as they're known to loyal courtiers of ChavCountry, where they are the long-term rulers) are launching a unisex perfume called Intimately Beckham. It all seems so 2004: I wonder how many women have already sampled the product? I can imagine what the scent will be like: top notes of silicone, medium notes of orange fake tan and hair gel, with base notes of paparazzi and desperation. Overall, an expensively-priced perfume that will smell cheap - but it will be well marketed.

Big Mac

I don't know which is scarier: Macaulay Culkin's hair, or the fact he's 26. Isn't that enough to make you feel old?

29 August, 2006

The Clancy phenomenon

Abigail Clancy. Failed footballer's wife (or WAG, as they're now calling the generally hyper-blingy, sour-faced, designer-clad rabble of wives, girlfriends and bimbos of varying officialdom that trail international ball-kickers), ambitious wannabe model-singer-starlet, and notorious cock-coke-snorter. She's got the looks, the drive, and the tits that even if plastic, are one of the most realistic, best-looking sets we've seen.

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And this lovely lady is the source of two new verbs for the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary:

1. To clancy
(v. intr.)
To associate yourself with as many celebrities as you possibly can to reach the heady heights of the Z-list.

2. To be clancied
(v. pass.)
To be strung up, hung out and left to dry by the very same tabloid media that originally lapped up your nude photos and got you onto the Z-list in the first place. To be painted as the world's No 1 desperate druggie harlot while all other parties involved remain ignored and unmentioned and uncriticised.

But we at Celebrity Alert love Abi, as we predict a lengthy stream of emergencies and severe risk situations for our team to deal with. So in tribute, it's time she had her own Wikipedia page.

28 August, 2006

Hair today

Ellen, how could you do this to me? Two years in a row your Emmy ensemble has given me cause for distress... Granted, you seemed to have taken the saggy tits advice, but replaced it with a far greater horror. Your strapless eggplant sheath looks like it's made from a 1970s velour sofa, with the most bizarre seams and piping down the centre. Galliano should be ashamed. But worse than that is your hair! Your hair is never scraped back when you're in surgery on TV, so why start now? This hair & dress double whammy makes you look like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, which is one fashion crime too far.

And a quick note to Portia de Rossi - you might like to bleach your eyebrows. Just a thought ....

It's not all white on the night

Resist the urge to wear white. Unforgiving at best, it is to be avoided if in satin or ruffles. Poor Debra Messing: the colour looks knockout against her hair, but the pleats and the frills and the badly fitting neckline do her no favours. And as for Eva Longoria, the pocket rocket Housewife who's no bigger than a Barbie doll in real life... This meringue of a dress swamps her - horrible neckline, horrible hemline, and pretty much horrible everywhere else.

Age is more than just a number

Ladies, please try and be a little age appropriate. We get that you've spent a fortune on plastic surgery (I mean, cosmetic treatment and careful eating) and wigs, but you're fooling nobody. Joan Collins: you're starting to look like Liza Minelli's husband. You're 73 and still dynamite enough to marry a man who's younger than parts of you (allegedly). You don't need over-taut skin and a massive wig to make us remember. Take a leaf out of Helen Mirren's book: I can see her wrinkles, but she still looks fantastic.

Finally, some MTV chick thought it was wise to try and carry off an outfit even worse than Charlize Theron's Oscar bowfest. Bizarrely enough, I reckon that Joan could carry off the overly structured lace neckline, but only because it might balance out her hair.

Oh no you didn't

It's all in the detail - and I have lost count of the numbers of celebs who made a great outfit turn gruesome with the careless addition of baubles, bag or shoes. Annette Bening, who is growing old gracefully, so nearly pulled it off on Emmy night. Suave sex symbol husband? Check. Choppy youthful hair? Check. Pillarbox red lips? Check. Understated yet glamorous cocktail dress, showing off yoga trim body? Check. Simple shoes and bag? Check. Ugly grey throw that looks like my old primary school sweater after the dog chewed it? Unfortunately, check.

And yes, I know grey is the hot colour for AW 2006. And Sandra Oh wears it well: her thin frame can carry off the extra material on the dress. She hits a number of fashion goals with this dress - grey, ruffles, draping, and full length. But then you look upwards. The delicate ruffles of the neckline are drowned by beads, chains, gilt, pearls and more decoration than Jack Sparrow.

Spare Tyra?

Tyra, what were you thinking? You are one super hot momma, yet in this bronzed clingfilm dress, you look like you're expecting. This outfit makes me shudder on so many levels: from the odd, fake bondage shoulder strap, through the weird keyhole bodice, through the unflattering ruched effect over the tummy, to the quite awful fishtail. You're one of the original supermodels and would look great in a black binliner (to which this dress bears resemblance), so keep it simple!

25 August, 2006

Be in tit top shape

Hurray, it's nearly Emmy time, and the merry-go-round of award show / celeb fests has started. So, just time for a couple of hints from us before the weekend.

1. Underwear. Wear it. Stick it. Don't flash it. Check the colour. See exhibit A (left), Ellen Pompeo, the poor man's Renee, who bleats through Grey's Anatomy yet remains able to hook McDreamy, McSteamy and McVet (beyotch). Ellen's not overly blessed in the breast department. A good underwired bra would have whisked those puppies chinward, where they belong. Right: Exhibit B, Isla Fisher, who spent her teens in Aussie soap Home & Away before filming The Wedding Crasher, with broken-nosed sex god Owen Wilson. Bra is in place, but sadly, it's the wrong kind and colour. A nude coloured Calvin Klein barely-there should have done her just fine. We'll leave the paisley pillowcase comments for later. Remember, if in doubt, resort to double-sided tit tape, with corn plasters to prevent nipple protrusion (ick).

Strike a (new) pose

Tip 2. Unglue thy hand from thy hip. An Elizabeth Hurley hand-on-hip-one-leg-tilted-forward stance doesn't necessarily take 7 pounds off your waistline. Ditch the pout and focus on a big (genuine) smile, and you'll get away with anything.

Take a look at a very pregnant Jennifer Garner, who got the smile right, but sadly forgot her Alias kick-ass moves and resorted to the Hurley favourite. Now, all eyes are drawn down to the satin over her baby bump.

Beyond the pale

Wear pale coloured shoes with caution. In my experience, if they are pale (from cream to St Tropez tan coloured) it's better to keep them strappy to avoid looking like trailer trash. White shoes should really be bypassed. For me, even Charlize can't carry off this look. She gets full marks for the arm candy though.

22 August, 2006

Photo speaks a thousand alerts

This photograph is trying to tell us so many things:

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1. "With Photoshop, we're all beautiful"
2. "Forget Botox, get Photoshop"
3. "Photoshop: the elixir of youth"
4. "Britney: ditch the creepy, rat-faced leech, ditch the junk food, ditch the yearly pregnancies, ditch the partying, ditch the dodgy, drunken/drugged home movies, because there are only so many blotchy, lined, shadowed, sagging fucking skin pixels that can be fixed before the average supercomputer goes into meltdown"

18 August, 2006

Inflatable Li-Lo

Just a few days ago, we asked: where have all the good boob jobs gone?

Well, it seems the mystery is already solved. Every silicone implant in the whole of Hollywood has mysteriously migrated into Lindsay Lohan's chest.

16 August, 2006

The Wedding Planner syndrome

Jennifer Lopez is undeniably beautiful, slim, curvaceous and glowing. However by Hollywood standards, she is short, mousy, squat and unremarkable. Cast her against a super-tall, spectacularly lovely blonde, such as Bridgette Wilson, and acting skills apart; Cinderella and the Ugly Sister have swapped places.
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This is a severe alert situation that is occurring with increasing frequency to stars of silver and small screen. In tribute to poor Ms Lopez, we shall christen it The Wedding Planner syndrome.

Variants of The Wedding Planner syndrome include The Dr Who factor, when a heroine is cast against a slighter, prettier male lead. Compare Billie Piper cast against the big, tall, ruggedly jug-eared Christopher Eccleston, with the thin, fine-featured, pretty-faced David Tennant. Against Eccleston Piper looks slim, petite, beautiful. Tennant makes her look large-headed, large bodied and far less attractive.
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Then there's The Chicago effect. This is when two co-stars, both beautiful in their own way, clash. Renee Zellweger makes Catherine Zeta Jones look big, broad and buxom. Zeta Jones makes Zellweger look scrawny, flat-chested and shapeless.
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14 August, 2006

Boy, oh Boy George

If music be the food of love, then Boy George doesn't look like he's getting much of either. Where's the rainbow-hued man/woman/not quite sure of my childhood, who trilled Karma Chameleon while parents across the nation tried to dodge questions like "what IS he" and muttered comments about "unsuitable for Top of the Pops"?

Even when the dreadlocks were gone, he still took care with his appearance, wearing make-up I would just die for now, and a succession of hats, tilted coquettishly over one purple shaded eye.

It's OK to get a bit lardy as you approach middle age, but it is inexcusable to throw fashion to one side. Even if you have to do community service in New York in dreary overalls, you could at least have brightened them up with accessories. Like a beret, or even a splash of red lippie. Shame on you, George. Note to all little children: not only do drugs ruin your life, they also ruin your style.

11 August, 2006

Rock Star + Celebrity Nuptials: Cursed?

It's looking more and more likely that weddings between celebrities are doomed to failure. Consider this week's failed matches:

1. Former "Baywatch" babe Carmen Electra filed for divorce from former Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist Dave Navarro (below)

2. Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker filed for divorce from ex-beauty queen Shanna Moakler (above)

Or maybe it has something to do with the MTV connection, seeing that both of these formerly happy couples chronicled their nuptials on the quarter-century old cable channel?

The former appeared on "`Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave" in 2003, while the latter documented their wedding on "Meet the Barkers."

This theory gains additional credence when the much publicized split between singers Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, who co-starred in MTV's "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica," after three years of marriage, gets thrown in the mix.

Can someone say curse??

Bad headwear happens to hot people

No, Matthew - enough with the bandanas. We've watched you cavorting with Jake Gyllenhaal and Lance Armstrong all summer and wrote it off as a phase you were going through. We saw evidence of the dodgy headgear sneaking into that shocker of a film, Failure to Launch, and let it pass when you made up for it with gratuitous six-pack shots. But now you've gone a step too far. Turquoise is not a colour to be worn by anyone with any testosterone in their system. Desist immediately.

The Hoff part 2

I totally agree. I loved Hasselhoff when he was in Knight Rider (and even named my bicycle Kitt when I was 8) and also as Mitch in early-days Baywatch before he got a bit paunchy and they stopped filming him in full-screen action slow-mo.

To begin with, i thought his renaissance as The Hoff was him being kitsch and, therefore cool. Now I realise he genuinely thinks he's a serious celebrity, rather than a dried up, St Tropez-ed, old soak. His only appearances in the papers now are for him getting over-enthusiastic at the beer tent at events on the English social calendar (allegedly) and being banned from flights (allegedly).

Thereby, I have upgraded David Hasslehoff to next-stage alert.

* The site Drop It Like It's Hoff, which I discovered a couple of days ago, is one of the top 20 most-visited sites in South Africa, according to the site monitor www.satopsites.com, with an average of more than 500 visitors a day.

10 August, 2006

Hassling the Hoff

David Hasselhoff was spotted wearing a shirt that read "Don't Hassel the Hoff" at Hef's Midsummer Night's Dream Party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday.

Well, we're still going to...

While he was clearly challenged by the English language, reports say he remained extremely friendly to everyone.

Still, despite his video resurgence via YouTube, it's amazing that Hollywood hasn't figured out that his 'fifteen minutes' ran out a long, long time ago.

Botched boob jobs

Just where have all the good boob jobs gone? Certainly not to Hollywood. And with these threepenny bits (Cockney rhyming slang, dontcha know), the prosecution rests its case.

1. Paula Abdul: I'm surprised Simon didn't throw you off Pop Idol for this chest offence.

2. Tori Spelling: your daddy was rich. You should have bought better.

3. And then, the mother of all silicone screw-ups, Tara Reid.

And the bride wore white (just about)

Lordy Miss Maudy. Pamela Anderson was never going to be the meringue dress kinda gal, but she could have had a little decency. The High Priestess of Silicone wore nothing more than a couple of bikinis and some dodgy looking hotpants to her weddings in St Tropez (yes, the Cote d'Azur just plunged to new depths of tack) and some courthouse in the US.

And yet, despite the obvious show of, well, almost everything, there still remain questions unanswered. How did the courthouse let her get away with it? Having married Tommy "King Dong" Lee in a bikini (Pam was wearing the bikini, not Tommy, obviously), I wonder if she recycled her wedding outfit? And, what on earth did she choose as a going-away outfit?

There was a time when a future bride's biggest worry on her wedding day was whether she could carry off virginal white without the congregation laughing, rather than whether she needed a Brazilian before the wedding photos. Apparently, the bride wore white (ha) and wore Jimmy Choo shoes, though I'm not convinced anyone was looking at that particular pair. And no need to worry that Poppa Anderson had to shell out for a couture gown on his daughter's big day - a couple of bucks at WalMart's slapper beachwear section should have done the trick.

09 August, 2006

Nip / Tuck?

Joely in 2004 (left)

I love Joely Richardson, I really do. She's one of the few English actresses of recent years that is a) thin enough and b) blonde enough to make it in the cut-throat world of Yank TVdom...and all this without resorting to costume dramas as well. She's also in one of my favourite TV shows, Nip/Tuck, which is sharp, witty, saucy and eye-poppingly gory, so gets added bonus points for making out with Dr McShagadelic, Julian McMahon (fondly remembered from teenage schoolgirl crushes as Ben from Home & Away).

Joely more recently (right)

But something happened to her in series two of Nip/Tuck and I spend most of her screentime wondering what's happened to her mouth. She speaks a little oddly and purses her lips a little too much - looks to me like some over-enthusiastic tooth veneers. The photos don't really show it, so have a look for yourself here: there is something different about her top lip.

Check it out on YouTube.

08 August, 2006

No Mimi, no

According to the New York Times, bling is dead.

Apparently, "the dark and moody direction of many of the fall collections would suggest that difficult times lie ahead for makers of rhinestones, beads, sequins and other sparkly fare." This view is summed up by James Mischka, of design house duo Badgey Mischka, who said: “There has been a general lessening of bling and overglitzed clothes."

Bad news for Mariah Carey's upcoming blingfest tour, then, which includes a tight red jewel-encrusted leotard and a superhero cape with the word Mimi on the back, as well as a peculiar pair of sequinned Bridget Jones-style big pants.

But I suppose we should all be grateful she has traded in the mermaid look of a few years ago. . You have to admire her for being comfortable in her own skin, but the constant mane-tossing, cleavage baring, thigh slit ensembles are even worse than Elizabeth Hurley. Didn't her mother teach her never to show cleavage and leg at the same time? It's what turns sexy into slutty.

07 August, 2006

The Iceman no longer makes me cometh

Remember the buff, bronzed body playing volleyball in Top Gun? Not for me, the short-arsed sloped shoulders of Tom Cruise, complete with sinister jabbing tongue movements in the big love scene with Kelly McGillis. Forget the peroxide quiff for a moment, but Val Kilmer was quite simply god's gift to women. That video kept me going through my teens, when - if you took off your NHS prescription glasses and squinted hard enough - the spotty youth on the dancefloor would turn into Iceman. Even now, when I hear the line "you can be my wingman any time", I get goosebumps.

Sadly, while I may be stuck in the 1980s, Val Kilmer isn't. I almost can't bring myself to post this. The poor man probably has issues - and crept halfway back into my good books with a great performance in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (oh yes, I would) ... but can't he see he's ruining millions of teen girl fantasies?